"There is just something about you, I don't know what it is. It's just that I know what I want in a wife and you are just not IT. You're not marriage material." - this excerpt came from one of many conversations with HE WHO WILL REMAIN NAMELESS
I gave this man everything and all of me, for this he'd at least give me some dignity in the separation; no, I get a list of reasons why I'm not marriage material. The list was superficial but like a sucker I listened. It tuned out one of the paramount reason had to do with my weight. OUCH. Here all this time I actually thought I was a good looking big girl, but the whole time the one guy that I wanted to be attracted to me and what I had to offer, wasn't.
Then we have the guy that I'm currently dating. This guy hasn't even slept with me and already the pressure is on to determine if I'm Marriage Material. That's a lot of pressure, considering that I'm the first black woman he has dated ever, despite the fact that he is so black he makes Wesley Snipes look like Chris Brown. So, compounded is the pressure not only to be "Marriage Material", I also have to take on the responsibility that if I fuck this up he'll never date black women again.
Why do women constantly put themselves in this situation? Why all this pressure to be Marriage Material. Is this a new reality show that only men are aware of? America's Next Top Wife?
Women spend so much time:
- Trying to be a good homemaker - We feel like we have to rival Bette Crocker in the kitchen. They say the way to a mans' heart is through his stomach, I beg to differ, I think a great head game works just as good.
- Trying to be a freak in the bed and a lady in the sheets - You are Snow White around his parents but cupping balls and licking ass at night.
- Trying to be a career woman - No longer is the day of the housewife what a man wants, now we got to get our asses out and work and help bring home half the bacon. Then when we get home we got to fry the shit in a pan too, while he scratches his balls and sniffs to see if he needs to take a shower tonight.
- Trying to be a good mom - You have to pray that he has some nieces and nephews you can pretend to like so you can show him how good a mom you will be.
ALL THIS SHIT AND WHAT THE FUCK IS HE DOING?
He is scouting out other women and making a list. The other women are so he's dick doesn't get dry while he is in rebound and the list is so he can reinforce your insecurities by telling you how worthless you are and why he is leaving you, "it's all your fault, didn't you know that?". It's absolutely absurd!
I sat in front of my ex recently, letting him go over a laundry list of why I'm not shit and won't be shit, and you know what I did?! I just sat there. I sat there and contemplated and even considered what I could do to change his mind. I thought so hard and so long about this shit that I got a headache. So, guess what I did after that?! I took two Excedrins, I called a few of my girls, I called him (but on some other shit) and then I went out with the guy that has never dated black women and I then broke it off with him because you know what I don't need that shit. I took myself home and then I went to sleep, and while I slept I prayed and had a conversation with God. You know what God told me?! He said put your focus somewhere else for awhile. He was right.
Instead of trying to be Marriage Material I should try to be Me Material. We only have a certain time to be what we are going to be, and I certainly don't want to look up 40 years from now and realize that I wasted all this time trying to win over a man when I could've won over my goals and been happy. I may not ever get the man that I love right now, but you know at least I get better at getting happy. Working for someones love and approval is not the road to happiness, its actually below mediocre. I don't know about you but who has time to work 40 hours a week on a job and then come home and still have to work to make sure you are the perfect person for someone else. FUCK THAT!
This has been a serious rant, and its had many run on sentences but the point is clear. I wasted two and half years on someone who never loved me, and will never think i'm good enough for them. I don't want anyone to suffer the same fate, its not too late for you and its not to late for me. Go out today and be the best woman you can be.
